Claire's Writer Workshop

Sunday, December 03, 2006

WA 5, Draft 3: An Unusual Surprise

As she walked into class on the first day of school at Baltimore High, Melanie’s, eyes were drawn away from her book by the smell of marshmallows roasting on an open campfire. When she looked up she was so intrigued by the person standing before her that she had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. As she scanned the room to make sure she was in the right place she noticed the name “Ms. Hill” written on the blackboard.

This classroom was unlike any other, not to mention the teacher. As Melanie quietly slipped into a desk she noticed that she wasn’t the only one confused as to where this teacher came from. Melanie tried not to be rude and tried to go back to reading her book, but as her beady blues peered over the cover what she saw was astonishing. Lining the normally dull brick room were posters covering every square inch of the walls. The most interesting thing though was the treasure chest that sat right in the middle of the room.

“Quiet, please,” Ms. Hill said, in a rough, raspy voice that radiated throughout the whole room, as the second bell rang.

The class immediately became quiet, although it had been merely whispers that broke the silence in the air as the students came through her door. Ms. Hill stood at the front of the room in a leopard print jumpsuit with fire engine red glasses outlining the circular shape of her wrinkly, weatherworn, face. As she waved her hands around the room, Melanie noticed the gold, sparkly gloves that encased her slender hands and the many bracelets that wrapped like vines up her arms. Scanning Ms. Hill from toe to head she suddenly came to her face. Her face resembled that of a lion. Blond, orange, and red curls streamed down her back like a mane. Large, round dark brown eyes surveyed the students as she looked around the room. The nose, however, drew the most attention, as well as the ears. The nose was stunted at the end like it had decided to stop growing years ago and the ears were as big as a monkey’s and an unusual color, perhaps a result of the many colors she used to dye it.

The students introduced themselves in Ms. Hill style, which was to say your name backwards, imitate your favorite animal and explain in another language why you were taking her class. After they were all finished introducing themselves, which took quite a while, Ms. Hill talked about herself. She was brief and very vague about her life, which made the students all the more interested in the story of it. As the period came to an end she asked if there were any questions. Nobody raised their hand and so Ms. Hill sat down, took off her purple, sparkly shoe, and her jewel encased sock and preceded to pick up a piece of chalk with her toes. Then she wrote what would be happening in class tomorrow, with chalk in between her plump, pinky, big toe and the slender, brownish one next to it.

As Melanie watched the teacher she wasn’t sure if she wanted to raise her hand but shyly she reached her hand into the air, toward the ceiling, painted with stars and moon, which she did not often do. Her fingers began to uncurl and Ms. Hill immediately whipped around from the notes she was writing on the board and pointed at Melanie.

“I…I was wondering if you would mind telling us, what that treasure chest has inside,” Melanie quietly said.

“It holds the treasures and secrets of the world.” And with that the bell rang.

1 Comments:

Blogger Catherine said...

Claire,
You've already posted your third draft, but I thought I'd post a note anyway. This piece made me smile. Is it an imitation of JK Rowling's style? The cliff hanger ending reminded me of the way that Rowling ends each chapter, hooking me so I can't stop reading (or go to sleep) until I'd finished the entire million page novel. Your ending left me feeling similarly--wanting to know more. Also, the description of the teacher was somewhat magical, but not over the top, which reminded me of the Harry Potter books too. Your descriptions of Ms. Hill were, in my opinion, the strongest aspects of the piece. You honed in wonderfully, and in all the right areas. A couple of my favorites include: "gold, sparkly gloves that encased her slender hands and the many bracelets that wrapped like vines up her arms" and "an unusual color, perhaps a result of the many colors she used to dye it." I love the part about the discolored ears. It created the perfect visual picture, was not at all cliche, AND gave insight into her character beyond the physical (the kind of woman who would dye her hair all sorts of crazy colors). Keep up the good work! I miss you all so much!!!!!
-Ms. A

5:48 PM  

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